You know me, You know what I can do

I watched her walk out the door. It was the same thing, every time, I’d let her get so close, and then I pushed her away. Stupid, so freaking stupid! I slammed my flat palm into the wall, feeling it crack under the contact. I was mentally cursing myself for what I was doing,. Why couldn’t I just accept her? Why couldn’t I let her in?

            Because I didn’t want her to die. I didn’t want to hold her in my arms, watching the life drain from her. I couldn’t do it, wouldn’t do it. My forehead rested against the wall as I tried to block the images that haunted me every time I saw her. I hated this, the helplessness of knowing what was to come and unable to stop it. If I kept her away, I could save her, it wouldn’t be me holding her when she died.

            That thought shook me, my head jerking up from where it was. What if it wasn’t me holding her? What if she died alone, what if a stranger was the one who held her as she took her last breath? I grabbed the sides of my head, screaming wordless in frustration. I couldn’t keep doing this!  Why can’t I just stop these thoughts, these images? No, keeping my distance was how I needed to handle this. I felt it, I knew it was right.

            But why does it hurt so bad? Why do I feel an ache when she leaves the room, like someone was tearing the very breath from me, taking my heart from my chest?

I ripped the jacket off, throwing it on the floor, feeling as if it was suffocating me as I paced in the apartment. Caged, like an animal, that was how I felt. My inner thoughts warred with each other, one wanting to run to her, the other wanting her as far away from me as possible. I’d almost gotten myself killed again, earlier, trying to be a hero again.

Why did I have this need to make things right? Claire tells me I’m just a good person, maybe I’m trying too hard? Maybe I should concentrate on those close to me?

I slid my hands into my hair, grasping it as I closed my eyes trying to just put her out of my mind.

I can’t do this.

I can’t leave her alone, and I can’t keep hurting myself, her, this way.

She was another part of my life that I kept screwing up, hurting her over and over by trying to save her. I couldn’t tell her what I saw, couldn’t tell her every time I got close I had to block those images, the fear welled deep inside me. It made it hard to breathe, hard to swallow. Fear that overwhelming. I felt it when I was with her. I couldn’t bear the thought of holding her as she died.

But I can’t save the world can I? Event after event has happened, pulling us this way and that and always I find myself at her door, wanting only to have her wrap her arms around me and tell me everything will be fine. I’d lost Simone, could I lose her too?

Could I live through the pain of knowing if I’d kept my distance she might be alive? Could I live without her? Did I want to?

The other side of my brain worked against me, making me doubt. What if my leaving her alone is what brings her death? What if by staying away, I bring about everything I fear?

Life is what you make of it. I’d heard those words. Destiny is in our own hands, our own choices, nothing is written in stone. Nothing.

I’d had other visions, and they didn’t happen, we’d changed things.

I could change it.

There was no thought other than her. I could only think about her brown eyes, her smile, the way her hair fell around her face as I ran down that hall yelling her name.

I saw her there on the stairs, stopping as I yelled her name once more. She looked up at me, her eyes bright with tears and she was the most beautiful thing I think I’d ever seen. Seeing her there, on those stairs, my heart swelled and I didn’t care what might happen, only the here and now. I’d risk my life for her. I’d die to protect her. Nothing mattered to me but being with her.

Only her.

His black hair was tucked back behind his right ear, the rest of it fell to frame his face. His brown eyes held the smallest amount of unshed tears, the water held there above dark lashes seemed to make his eyes sparkle more than they already did. Dark brows furrowed over those sienna depths, filled with confusion, pain, but most of all, need. I could hear it in his mind, over and over. “Don’t push me away, please” He was still wearing the suit he had worn earlier in the night, but now the shoes and tie were gone, the dress shirt unbuttoned from his neck. The stark white of the shirt was littered with deep maroon streaks, his blood. The sight made my breath catch in my throat, eyes searching him for signs of injury and finding none. But the blood was real. He was real.

            He lifted his eyes to me again, searching my eyes for acceptance. He held his hand out to me, a gesture to me. Each step I took felt like a mile, as if I the space between us equaled the space we wished we could put between us, but it wouldn’t happen. I stretched out my arm, laying my hand in his pal . My breath caught in my throat as his fingers slid around my wrist. He pulled me against him quickly, his head resting against mine as we stood there. His arms wrapped around me tightly. I could hear his thoughts, just as he could hear mine. “Thank you” He spoke without saying a word, I felt him, heard him and held him even tighter then.

            The world around us seemed to be falling apart, he.. he was something more, something beyond human as was I. We’d been thrust into a place we’d never asked for, given powers we were still learning, unsure of. That was how I’d met  him.           

            He’d saved me, pulling me from where I stood on that bridge, ready to die for a power I couldn’t control, couldn’t get a handle on. I’d never met him before that moment, but he was instantly there, pulling me down and held me, soothing fears I didn’t understand, promising me that he’d be there. He thought I was beautiful, knew I wanted to end things, my ability to hear the thoughts and feel what others felt. I didn’t know how to stop it, how to control it. Three months we’d spent, talking on the phone, spending hours sitting on a rooftop, watching the city trying to make sense of what was happening and why.

            His hands smoothed my hair down as he held me, rocking our bodies back and forth slowly, gently. I couldn’t do anything more than cling to him at that moment, wanting to say so much but there was no need. He could hear my thoughts, feel me the same way. He copied my powers, and those of others like us. He’d been my knight in shining armor, he’d been the answer to my prayers.

            “Sometimes it’s nice to hear it from your lips, out loud” he whispered, tilting my chin up to look at him.

            I couldn’t help but smile, finding his ability to read my thoughts at times as unnerving as I thought my own were. “Yeah, I guess it is huh?”

            He smiled and gave a little nod. “I like the sound of your voice,” his finger slid down my cheek in a soft gesture. It comforted as well as excited. I couldn’t stop myself with the words that came out.

            “Probably as much as I like yours”

            “You like mine huh?” he asked with a crooked grin, head tilting as he gazed down at me. I nodded with a smile. It was hard to stop the thoughts, hard to stop thinking how I wanted him to kiss me, how I wanted to feel his chest bare under my fingers. I licked my lips as I thought again about kissing him.

“Don’t Kellan, don’t think things like that, because I can’t block you out, I can’t keep you out of my mind” he whispered.

            “Who said I wanted to be kept out?” I asked, laying my hand on the side of his face. “I can’t hide, not from you and you’ve thought it before too, we think it all the time.” I could feel him, could see the images in his mind, his thoughts forming images of us, together, naked on his bed, sheets tangled around us as he pushed himself deep inside me. It drew a gasp from me, the image making me warm all over.

            He shoved me backward, breaking the contact, shaking his head. “God I can’t…. we shouldn’t….” his words were staggered, fighting his own thoughts, his own desires and needs. I reached for him again.

            “We can Peter. We have the right to be happy”

            “And if I hurt you? What then?” he snapped, turning to face me, brows drawn together. He wasn’t angry at me, he was angry at himself, for his lack of control.

            “You won’t hurt me,” I whispered, I knew his power, knew his potential. I knew my own.

            “How can you be sure.. what if… I can’t control it?”

            “You’re afraid you can’t hold onto me” I replied softly. It was his fear, that he’d lose me, that I would leave him, or he’d lose me by some strange twist of fate.

            “Stop it Kel, just stop, get out of my head!” he yelled. I stared at him, suddenly feeling cold. I closed my eyes and closed him off, shut him out of my mind as best I could leaving a coldness deep inside me that burned. I turned and began to walk away from him, leaving him standing in that empty room, feeling much the same way. It always ended the same way, him pushing me away and me leaving, until we would run into each other once more, the attraction, the chemistry begging to be explored and always left unfulfilled and I had a feeling that would never change. He'd shatter my heart into a million pieces and I let him, because he was the only one who could put it back together.

            I loved Peter Petrelli, but it would never be more than a dream.