You know me, You know what I can do

“What do you mean you aren’t planning on going?” Shannon asked, his eyes narrowed as he stared at me.
“Just what I said Shan, I have a job. I can’t run off and be on tour” I replied as I turned to look at him.
“Well what the hell are we supposed to do? Spend 9 months or more apart?”
“I don’t know what you expected from me Shan, I have a job, I own a business” I told him as he shook his head.
“I make enough money for both of us”
“I have a career… this isn’t just what I do Shannon. This is what I am, this is my job.”
“So you’re just going to leave me to go on tour, alone and you’ll stay here to take photos of weddings?”
“Shannon, people book me sometimes over a year in advance, what exactly did you think I was going to do, tell them I can’t be there. “Sorry I can’t photograph your wedding because my boyfriend is on tour. Here’s your money back hope you find someone?” I snapped at him. I was beginning to get annoyed with him now, this conversation was insane. How could he think I would just give up my job?
“Hire someone else, it’s not like it has to be that hard. I could shoot a wedding…” I glared at him and he closed his mouth, quickly.
“Why don’t you just find someone else to fucking play drums for Mars and you stay here… I mean it can’t be that hard to find another drummer” I spat back at him before I turned to walk to the bedroom.
“Fuck Karen, it isn’t like this is a weekend jaunt, this is months of our lives and we’re going to be apart and you seem to not give a shit.” I turned to stare at him.
“How the hell can you say that?” I asked, almost yelling. “I love you Shannon, you think I am looking forward to being alone? Well I’m not but I have a business to run and I can’t risk losing that business to run off on tour with you”
“Why do you have to do this?” he asked, almost whining. He really didn’t understand it.
“Because I love it, and it’s what I do.”
He frowned and I swear to God he stuck his bottom lip out as he stood there.
“I’m not fucking happy” he complained.
“Well I am sorry, I’m not changing my mind. We can figure something out to see each other while you’re gone but I can’t go with you, not full time” Shannon looked at her and threw his hands up in exasperation as he walked out the door, slamming it behind him.
I sat down on the couch a moment, trying to figure out what had just happened. Shan and I had argued and he'd walked out. I felt such guilt over it but I couldn't give up what I had worked so hard to get, just to go on tour. There was a knock at the door and I looked up, surprised to see Jared there.
He turned to take a quick glance back in the direction Shannon had walked. Shannon and Jared were such a special pair and I think it threw Jared off that Shannon didn’t speak to him or pay him any attention at all. It was unlike him. Jared looked back at me then as if he’d disturbed me.
“The door was unlocked.” he said as he moved to sit across from me in one of the chairs.
“It’s ok. Shannon and I just had a big go around,” I told him, running a trembling hand through my hair. I couldn’t believe we were arguing over this. I wanted to be with him but it wasn’t possible, not like he wanted.
"Oh..." He said, his eyebrows rising and falling in his understanding. He settled back in the chair watching me mess with my fingers, (as I did when nervous) gnawing on his lip as silence fought with the shouts of words yet to be spoken. "What happened...exactly"
"He thought that I was going to go on tour with you guys after the album was done and I told him I can’t” I said looking over at him. "I have a job Jared, I have a business and I can't risk that. Shannon thinks it's all about money but its not, it's so much more than that. This..... my job.... it's who I am, and what I love." My tongue snaked out to wet dry lips. "Not to mention what if we split up? I have nothing if I blow off my business and that isn't something I intend to do"
He listened intently, nodding every once in a while, to physically move everything in his mind foreword, to a cluttered pile that made sense. He leaned on the arm rest, his hand framing his face as he listened to every word, reacting in subtle nature, as to not interrupt. "...Shan's intense..." He said simply, "He jumps to conclusions, he lives in a world, where if things aren't directed, they work out in a perfect fantasy. He lives in an awesome world, but it converges with others." He paused, waiting for his thoughts to filter. "Being in a band, does that."
"I know, that’s one of the things I love about Shan. He makes everything seem so much more alive, more meaningful. But this..... this isn't something like leaving the toilet seat up. This is our life. I know he thinks he should take care of me but this isn't about that. I have clients who I promised and gave my word to. I can't risk losing my reputation." I looked to Jared then. I felt the tears build, unfallen tears that clung to dark lashes. "I feel so guilty"
"I didn't say you weren't right...you are, you've made a commitment...in which case, it makes sense to follow than ignore." He paused a beat, before shocking himself as the words shot quick from his mouth, harsh and untamed, wild, and ragged. "Why the fuck would you be guilty?"
I blinked at how harsh it sounded. Jared could be like that, quiet and calm then from nowhere a harshness to him.
"Because I promised him I'd be with him" I said wringing my hands together again. "I love him Jared, I love him so much it scares me and I can't get past the fact that I think he's gonna leave. That one day I'm going to be alone and all I'm going to have will be my work" I swiped at the offending tears with the back of my hand. "I want to be with him but I'm too scared to just give in and be with him."
"You promised you'd be with him in life? You aren't breaking anything..." He said, confusion seeping into his voice. "Being gone for 9 months...is nothing compared to a lifetime." He switched between preaching and thinking aloud, it seemed. "Being alone isn't truly alone, unless, there is no relationship..." I looked across the room at him then.
"No but if you love someone you should be there for them. They shouldn't have to make an appointment to see you" I said quietly as I stood. "I could do it, I have people that work for me.. but .... I love my job, I don't want to leave it"
"Love requires compromise...does it not?" He asked, watching me get up "Even more so in a world that you've entered. Your mentality works, when you aren't touring, but I've had relationships, that, Only worked around my schedule. Its a bittersweet life, you gotta decide what means more, mutual happiness, even if you aren't getting everything you want...or suffering." He said, biting his lip.
"I can deal with it. I know I can fly out and see him during the week, I know I can travel a couple weeks in the summer with him when I am not busy. But is he going to accept it? He walked out on me,” I sighed. “Not to mention I think he’s very used to having things his way, not really having to compromise. I mean honestly, you guys usually have women falling all over themselves for you, I’m not that kinda girl”
“Shan's intense..." He shrugged. "He's gonna get heated and walk out, he's probably throwing rocks at the ocean. But, knowing him, he'll probably come back soaked, because he accidentally threw a baby turtle and then, ran out to save it." He laughed softly, trying a hand at humor to ease the situation. "He's a brat, but he isn't heartless."
We spoke for maybe 20 more minutes until Jared looked up, the sound of the door heard through the house.
Jared looked at the door, then to me as Shannon appeared. He looked like a kid who’d been scolded. His eyes were down, shoulders slumped slightly. He looked between me and his brother, sliding a hand through his hair.
I walked over to him and slipped my arms around him, kissing his cheek.
“I’m sorry” he said quietly, burying his face into the crook of my neck.
“Already forgiven” I told him, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek.
Jared smiled, I could see him from over Shannon’s shoulder and I smiled. I think I loved Jared too, for his compassion, for the way he made me feel. He made me realize that Shannon and I were special. I found something that people search a lifetime for and Shannon realized it too. We had something amazing, and that was what scared us both so much. We didn't want to lose it, didn't want to mess it up. It was scary, and yet it felt so good, so right.
I hugged Shannon tighter to me and placed my lips against his ear.
“I love you Shannon, I love you so much”
“I know K. I know and that’s what I hate. I don’t wanna miss you. I want you with me, but you’re right….you have a job.” He lifted his head and looked at me.
“We’ll work it out… I promise”
I heard the door close and saw that Jared had slipped out, unnoticed. I smiled as I pressed my lips to Shannon’s.
“Come on. Let’s go sit out back and snuggle” I told him. He grinned and nodded.
“Let’s”